DieHard TryHards Play MSJeopardy

I’m not too concerned about my competition. Sure, they’re all freakishly smart, but how could that possibly be relevant to a game about general knowledge? The only thing that matters is the ability to smash the buzzer first, and I am going to do that every time. I may have never finished an episode of Jeopardy! or other quiz shows, but I know I’m good at reacting brashly and spouting absurd answers. The loss will be made all the more painful for my well-educated competition when I best them despite having the memory of a goldfish.

I’m a sponge — not because I enjoy homemade sponge cake, but because I’m constantly absorbing random tidbits of information. Since I was little, I have always memorized the oddest things for fun: countries and capitals, digits of pi, and Pokémon names and their index numbers, to name a few. Apart from the occasional geography quiz, I never get the chance to use this information, so I’m excited to put my knowledge to the test for once. Regardless of my tough competition, I will prevail with the help of my random fact collection and quiz show binging sessions.

Ever since I was young, I’ve stared at my television screen every weeknight at seven with my jaw dropped, marveling at how easily Jeopardy! contestants answer the questions. During quarantine, I live for the Jeopardy! specials on YouTube. It’s been a while since I’ve gotten my competitive juices flowing, but I’m sure all my opponents are eager to start competing too. To be honest, I’m really not that good at memorizing hard facts, though, with math formulas flying out of my head during tests. Even though I think I possess a quick reaction speed (albeit lacking quick thinking), I know I am definitely capable of completing this competition by gritting it out, and who knows? I might even win.

Did you know that January 4 is National Trivia Day? Well, if you didn’t, you might not be prepared to battle me in the ultimate MSJeopardy showdown. My years of watching Jeopardy! reruns and High School Quiz Show episodes on YouTube have made me an expert in the art of trivia, from humming the incredibly catchy Jeopardy! theme song to victory dancing at the end of a tough round. Nonsensical names and freaky factoids always get stuck in my brain — even as I try my best to tune them out during math tests. Despite the fact that I’ve spent most of my quiz show career in front of the living room TV and not battling it out with the pros in a Hollywood studio, I’m confident in my ability to decimate the competition.

I don’t think anyone was expecting me to win, including me. I had talked to my brother earlier and he told me I wouldn’t beat anyone, so this must really be a shock for him. I could try to credit my victory to my vast amount of general knowledge, but we all know that’s not really true. This triumph only occurred because Venus was circling Mars at just the right angle at 4:35 p.m this afternoon. I only have my Pisces stars to thank, and I will definitely be milking this win for the rest of my time at the Smoke Signal.

I always thought that I knew a solid collection of random facts, but it turns out I can pretty much forget everything in a game like MSJeopardy. The capitals and countries that I once memorized and could easily recall in a second seemed like some obscure nonsense that I couldn’t even wrap my mind around. Even worse, all the rhyming worksheets and games my second-grade teacher assigned seemed to go to waste in this game — I somehow convinced myself “sweet” and “sea” rhymed and proceeded to answer with just that. I ended up just sitting through the majority of the game instead of actually participating.

I honestly don’t even know what happened. MSJeopardy started and ended so fast, and half the time I was just sitting blankly looking at my computer screen. I’m just proud that I got one of my childhood games correct, Minecraft. Although I missed a clue about my very own math teacher’s trig quizzes, I’m not too disappointed because I haven’t taken one in a long time. Getting a tie for second place is extremely satisfying, especially because I only answered a couple of questions correctly.

Things don’t always go according to the plan, and this MSJeopardy tournament was a testament to that. Going into the competition, I was infallible. Nothing could stop me — until it did. Not only did I forget virtually everything that the American public education system has taught me over the last 11 years, I even managed to flub the question on my favorite TV show, Brooklyn Nine-Nine. I’m not saying that I expected to win, except that I did, and losing hurts. At a pathetic -$600 and a last-place title, the only thing I have to feel is the bitterness of regret.