Due to the extreme work overload for college admissions officers, all current applications will be gotten rid of and instead replaced with a test called the NUCT, or the New Universal College Test. This multiple choice exam will cover all necessary aspects of any typical college application, making the boring, outdated one obsolete. Students will sign up for this online test and will be given an hour to complete it, expediting the tedious and repetitive application process.

The first part of the test will be an oath to swear by the gradebook to tell the truth, the whole truth, and mostly the truth. Thus, satisfied with the truthfulness of the truthful students, the colleges will no longer require transcripts or any contact with high schools at all. 

The next portion is multiple choice. This 100-question test will cover all the sections that the college applications have previously covered. It will test both the students’ academic and extracurricular abilities. “How many hours of community service have you done? a. 10000, b. 1000, c. 100, d. 10, e. None of the above” or “What is your average grade in class? a. A, b. B, c. C d. D, d. F”.  The greatest number of favorable answers guarantees the student admission. 

The last part of the test will be a written statement of no more than 50 words and must be typed, to avoid discrimination based on handwriting. The prompt is: “What is your favorite cookie, and why?”

If any two students’ responses are the same, then, to avoid confusion, the earliest one will be accepted. As this submission is done exclusively online, many parents have already made accounts for their kindergarteners to give them a head-start.

The vast number of applicants not only overwhelms admissions officers but also teachers and counselors. Frustrated, they refuse to write more letters, as no health insurance covers the cost of the mysterious hand-cramped-from-writing-way-too-much-too-fast syndrome. This opened a breakthrough system in which the student just has to print out a pre-written letter and have the teacher sign it. Downloads of various letters will be available online, and prices will vary proportionally to the quality of recommendation, so students will not have to worry whether the teachers like them enough to accept letter requests.

Instead of Early Action and Decision, a new program will come into play called the GRASP: Giving Really Awesome Students Preference.  However, early decision applicants will have only thirty minutes to complete the test.

The difficulty of the NUCT has inspired a new line of prep books, called the SITTING: Standardized Individual Testing Taken In Normal Gravity. These comprehensive booklets will have all the guidelines for answering the questions and writing the personal statement. They will be available online and in bookstores. Prices will vary. 

*The NUCT does not actually exist. This article is meant to be a satire.