January 

1 - The New Year kicks off with a bang as North Korea fires off 2010 long and short range missiles disguised as fireworks. Much to their frustration, nobody notices due to beer. 

6 - Dr. Phil, following Oprah’s example, promptly announces he is canceling his show. His new show will counsel the fans who mourn the loss. 

13 - In an attempt to boost the economy, the government passes a law stating grocery stores may only provide access to food through rigged claw machines.

24 - In a further attempt to boost the economy, the Senate begins to sell hot dogs and beer in the senate chamber. However, the idea is revoked after much jeering and swearing by the senators. 
 

February 

1 - -After much hard debate, attacks, beer, and compromise, the health care bill is passed, a broken shell of what it used to be. The bill states that all people that can afford it will keep their current health care plan, and all those who can’t will be shipped to France.  

2 – The Winter Olympics are postponed until December due to a furry rodent being unable to see his shadow. The stock market drops another 200 points. 

3 - More bad news for the economy as some bum on the street becomes the majority shareholder of Target. 

7 - Football fans everywhere are enraged during the Super Bowl when, stupidly, a commercial is cut off in order to return to the game. 

16 - The stock markets take another hit as Obama attempts to explain the economy to school children. “See the federal budget is a lot like Tetris,” the president states. “Every time you get the numbers to line up, they disappear.” 

28 - Obama loses the Economy. An extensive search is made throughout the Oval Office to find it. 
 

March 

2 - The search for the Economy spreads to Congress, where Joe Wilson claims to no one in particular, that Obama is lying. His re-election funds instantly double. 

13 - Bernard Madoff buys Iceland. 

17 - The Economy is finally found at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. The autopsy reveals an overdose of alcohol and various drugs. Apparently, it was depressed. All other world economies are put on 24 hour suicide watch.  

20 - Nigerian royalty joins facebook with their own application: Save a Prince. 

April 

4 - Dr. Phil builds a giant balloon as a publicity stunt and inadvertently gets trapped in the basket. As nervous news crews follow the balloons hectic pathway, worried over the fallen TV star’s safety, Dr. Phil comments from the ground that his new show will be “the smash hit of the season.” 

13 - Educational analysts are shocked to discover that, in spite its large size, 90% of school children can’t find Dick Cheney on a map. 

14 - Security analysts are shocked to discover that 10% of school children can find Dick Cheney on a map. 

30 - The world watches in horror as Dr. Phil launches his new show. 12 are killed instantly, and 130 more wounded. 

May 

5 - The election fraud scandal erupts when what’s-his-face is named the next American Idol. Angry protestors march on Fox Studios, which wards them off with AK47s and RPGs. Obama issues a sternly worded letter to Fox, a move that is mocked unrelentingly for being too soft by Fox News. 

11 - In what is seen as a groundbreaking legal move, Obama passes a bill deeming it illegal to be the governor of Illinois. 

20 - The PGA announces the inclusion of a new “lightning round”. It instantly attracts 100 new viewers. 

23 - Scientists disprove the existence of art. A law is passed to separate art and state. 

30 - Fox Studios secedes from America, taking a large part of Texas with it. The population consists of nearly 2,000 angry southerners including Dr. Phil, who is in the running to become their first president. 

June 

7 - In an interview with Sarah Palin, journalists are shocked to discover that Russia is really the name of her dog. While the Associated Press apologizes for the misunderstanding, Palin blurts “you mean it’s a country too?” 

18 - Transformers 3 comes out quickly enough for the summer by foregoing any plot and simply have a bunch of special effects fight over Megan Fox. It is currently up for 26 Golden Globes, 3 Oscars, and for some reason, a Tony. 

22 - North Korea’s economy officially collapses after the third annual LetsGetAttentionByThreateningOurNeighbors-athon. This year’s program consisted of troops marching to the left, several hostage takings, and synchronized bombing. 

30 - Eclipse becomes the highest grossing film ever, beating Titanic by a whopping 400 million. The audience consists of 30 million sobbing girls and 4 guys who thought they were watching Transformers 3. 

July 

4 - In an attempt to garner attention for his new TV series, Dr. Phil launches 2010 long and short range missiles disguised as fireworks. Much to his frustration, nobody notices due to beer. 

13 - A special investigative report carried out by CNN reveals the White House was infiltrated by nearly 100 different couples and the New England Patriots in spite numerous strongly worded warning signs posted on the lawn. 

21 - An eclipse occurs. Several confused Twilight fans bow down in worship of a new god. 

August 

1 - England loses their Economy to Fox Studios in a round of Texas Hold’em, who squanders it instantly on Nigerian royalty.  

4 - The Terrorist Threat Level Color Wheel is raised to “Hot Pink” when Osama Bin-Laden doorbell-ditches the White House. 

12 - In spite numerous guards, Switzerland’s Economy manages to gouge its eye out with a spork. 

17 - Joe Biden wakes up in the middle of his speech to discover his ticket has won the presidential election. He celebrates by launching into an anecdote about corn, which is referred to as “riveting.” 

September 

1 – Obama welcomes kids back to public schools, encouraging their education and social life. Interestingly, with Fox Studios running its own nation, none of it is misinterpreted. 

8 - Obama continues his war on terror by banning horror movies from the big screen. 

27 - In a press release, it is announced the final Twilight movie will be released December 21, 2012. In an unrelated scientific study, it is found that most Twilight fanatics have no sense of humor that “modern technology can detect.” 

30 - MSJ’s football team finally wins a homecoming game. In other news, readers begin to question the legitimacy of this article. 

October 

4 - Plans for the final Oprah show are leaked onto the Internet: everyone in the audience will get their time back. 

17 - The Chicago Cubs wins the World Series. Officials everywhere are forced to admit baseball is not a sport. 

24 - More bad news for the world as China’s Economy collapses from obesity. Other Economies are given a rigorous health plan to follow. 

31 – Several Trick or Treaters egg and tepee the White House. The FBI attempts to hunt them down, but is distracted by “special effects fighting over Megan Fox”. 

November 

1 - MSJ applies to the new TV show, Pimp My School. Sadly, for the first time in living memory, we didn’t make the cut. 

12 - Russia’s Economy takes a turn for the worse when it appears on the new Dr. Phil show. “And how is that working out for you?” 

22 - In lieu of his yearly threatening video, Bin-Laden simply sends the season finale of the new Dr. Phil show to the White House. The Terrorist Threat Level Color Wheel is raised to “Orange Berry Burst”.  

31 - History is made as Transformers 3 becomes the first film to win the Nobel Peace Prize. 

December 

1 - President Sarkozy loses France’s economy in a game of Monopoly 

16 - The Vancouver Winter Olympics are barely covered, due in large part to lack of scandal or obscene wastes of cash. The program does hit a bump however, when Michael Phelps swims across the Pacific, proving once and for all that he is insane. 

17 - Obama passes a new stimulus package for the holiday season. It’s basically secret Santa. Everyone draws names from a hat, and there’s a 10 dollar gift limit. The only difference is each gift counts as a tax deduction. 

25 - Osama Bin-Laden turns out to be Obama’s secret Santa. The Terrorist Threat Level Color Wheel is raised to “Rancid Apple Red” when, in quite possibly the most diabolical act of terrorism ever, Bin-Laden sends fruitcake. 

31 - Every country in the world finally goes bankrupt. A UN meeting is called to reset the economy. Everyone shakes hands and agrees to pretend the whole thing never happened.